The black hole and a star : Love, Loss and transformation
There are times that I rember with more clarity than yesterday, today when I was not a human but a star…from the oddesey of my love
Born to burn
Despite them coming from the same womb
Same time
He was a touch a bigger star, just sliver brighter
Riding through the night,
High flames,
High rate of burning
Brighter,
Going fully in
In fully
Deeply
Fully
and all in
There was degree of ravishing on life
Full on mode pleasure
And dial up intensity
On highest of the High
The Lord Almighty
Nothing less would satisfy
Intensely flaming pulses --
The song encoded in his
Brightly beating pulse of heart
A star whose rhythmic song
Has burned as a prayer
Rippling through the waves of
Time and the space
Suspending, dilating
Playing with the origin, time
No rules applied
Bending waves of time
But what is even time?
When song of love
Is singing from the depth of heart?
Then life is all but game
There is no birth or dying
No yesterday tomorrow
Future, past
Nothing
Only you and your beloved
Dissipated, dissolved in time
And born again, apart, together,
All at once
The heartbeat of the star
That urge to live, to take it fully
No slightest fear
Just burn
Burn here
Bright
So bright you feel like your guts are exploding
Falling in abandon
of internal chambers
full of interstellar dynamite
He danced with his beloved twin companion
In his spread wings across the sky
Flight of flame
He’s burned himself somewhat a bit more faster
But his sequence was so far away not close for him yet
To transform so brightly and so fast
Event of supernova,
Forever etched in memory
Behind the darkness of her closed eyes.
Grand in its beauty, but also terrifying
She felt all, everything,
And also all at once
The colors, symphony
The ripple of creation
Deep pain of her loss
In great explosion
The lightness of not being
All at once
The speed and symphony
All accelerating
The heat, the pull
The pressure building
All accelerating
The overwhelm of burning brighter than she was ready for
Prepared
The mystery, the beauty, awe and pain
The overwhelming pressure
Pressure building
All at once
As tho she was imploding
But not ready
She was not ready
She did not have the proper tools, proper sequence
She was not ready
She felt the waves of pressure
Building up inside
And nudging her to let go and surrender
But she was not yet ready, to let go yet into the nothing
She like to live and shine
Towards the boundless creation
She liked the lightness, fire and the beauty
Burning heart or prayer
She liked to be a star
Beyond supernova
She was mesmerized, and yet in fear.
As all the love she knew was imploding right before her eyes
She was engulfed in light, disoriented lost and
Face to face with fear
Recognizing both the holy nature of the moment and its ache twisting knife inside her heart
One moment his love all over her, one swift moment
And moment next, just moment next, and he was gone.
She couldn't see him, but somehow felt him even deeper.
The only true companion that she'd ever known.
From even before there was time,
And now he was gone.
Confused and lost, and grasping for familiar safety
But it seemed like nothing there was to hold her flames in place
She called on him, in panic searching
For remnants, in shadows
Where are you? My brother and beloved! Where are you?!
You were just here and now you are gone!
Why are you gone?
Why are you gone? Did I do something?
Where are you? You were just here!
And now you are gone.
As if I did not see it coming
I did, i felt it, dreamt it
But hid it, thinking if i hide it deeper maybe it shall pass
Running away from and pretending
I am not me, I do not see it
Do not feel build up where there is build up
Pushing away that preliminary pain
But I was not quite ready
Just one more moment
Can we freeze the time
Where are you
Why are you gone?!
Was there something wrong with me?
Was my light not bright enough?
Where are you?
Wasn't I enough?
And now you're gone, and I'm left here.
I'm left alone,
All by myself
No one else but I
To make sense of it all
And pick up the pieces
The parts of you
Now widely seeded, scattered
All across this new and foreign multiverse
of what has always only been just us,
Alone
You are all gone, excited for another venture
While I am here, waiting for the warmth
Alone
How could you leave me, when I need you so much
With me
When everything I knew was defined only by the orbital
Points of your touch and mine
Rage, sorrow, Denial..and repeat
Oh, I am so raging mad with you
And everything you stand for
Your adventures, your raging fun, abandon
Your grand gestures
Your tidal waves that undermine coherence,
Sanity of the trajectory and rhythm of my orbitital,
Your love for all
Your constant search to please
For pleasure
You play the hero
You spill yourself all over
Make the messes
While I am left here
Wash the dishes
Clean up your mess
Again, and once again
Alone
And yet I miss you so
I can’t be properly even mad at you
Because I love you
And yet you’ve left me
Stripped from so much of my core light,
Half hollow
What does suppose to fill me now
When you are gone away with half of light?
Why have you left me?
Wasn't I enough?
Where are your flames of light that you've so gently shared?
Where is your dance, your laughter, your insights?
Where is the light of your pure blue melting
Oceaning, flaming
Drunk on love for me
Bright eyes?
Where are you?
Why have you left me?
Wasn't I enough?
The search for the lost flame
Where are your flames of light that you've so gently shared?
Where is your dance, your laughter, your insights?
Where is the light of your pure blue melting
Oceaning, flaming
Drunk on love for me
Bright eyes?
Where are you?
Why have you left me?
Wasn't I enough?
And sun would cry with her bright and flaming tears
As though there was a part of
Stripped from her core away
As if she herself was cut in two and splitting
Left with memory of two
But inside the one
And all alone
She kept on searched for flames of her beloved
But there was only darkness
Where there was once a bright blue star.
It's so lonely, so cold in here
So little love from others
When you dance in the binary system of two giant stars.
Because who dared to come in between them when they're dancing?
Spinning, spewing fire
Flaming across the sky.
But what if there was someone
or maybe something
that flew into their close-knit system from afar?
What if that other
Triggered end of life sequence in underbelly of my companion-
a slightly bigger star?
But when was it?
Or was it?
Was it?
Was there is a something?
Someone?
Haven't I forgotten?
I did forget it, haven't I?
I don't remember anything
I'm nothing.
Was he even there?
What was it?
What is going on?
Am I it all,
Or nothing?
And what is this burn,
I feel so deeply in
Inside the very core
Of once flaming,
Now halfway hollow heart?
Who am I?
Am I a star?
Or a chunk of frozen ice?
Why am I frozen?
How has it happened?
Whose fault is it anyway?
Is it you? Or I?
Does it even matter?
You are gone, and I am here
Stripped of so much of my light.
It's so tiny, so dense, so frozen
It's so cold and hard and dense and painful to touch
What is that?
Who am I?
Why do I feel strongly still?
Where are you?
Is it you who's frozen?
Where are you?
Are you here?
Are you still a star?
Who are you?
Where do I find you?
Tell me now!
Tell me!
Is it you, or is it us or only I?
Where are you?
Why do I feel you so strongly in me?
It is you, but not like you.
Still you?
Or is it I?
Where are you, brother and my beloved?
What have you done?
Who’ve you become?
Why are you so hard now when you were lighter?
So dense, alluring, pulling on my tides
Why does it feel like you pull my guts from in me,
All twisting me from inside to outside?
What happened?
Who are you now?
Who am I?
What happened?
What have us become?
Why do I feel this pull that drives me to you?
But when I come in close, I see nothing.
Only darkness.
You're gone.
But is it nothing when I feel so much when there is something?
Is it truly nothing?
Is it only me?
Not us?
What is this?
What is going on?
Why am I here?
Why am I here all alone when there were us?
All I remember is your pure blue eyes turning white before the supernova
Oh, love
Where are you?
Why are you hiding from my sight?
Presence in absence
At first there were waves of deep confusion
Than cold and cutting silence
But then insight
She was looking for his light everywhere.
Searching for the remnants of him inside and outside
Her rays of light were cast afar and everywhere
But it's the black hole's nature
To absorb the light.
And so she had to learn how to see through darkness
And follow more the feeling
Rather than her sight
A tedious job for a bright blue giant
Whos light is binding to all that comes in sight
While she was searching frantically, in
panic
He was always there
Hidden in the shadows
Yet, much closer than he was before
Pulling on her lightwaves tightly,
Right into the depth
Into his own core
If before the center of the gravity was between them
Now the barycenter shifted inside of him
Deeply in his core
A new dance
He traded luminosity for depth of wisdom
Innocence of trust for trust based on the deeper feeling,
Light of his flames for both light and dark
He lost so much but also he has gained
An increased mass and gravity of his impact
They were so different from afar
But for them they were still same core-being
They were the same two old friends, lovers
Just a different now orbit, different design
And what is the even form? Does it even matter?
When they can see beyond the darkness and the light.
Into the truth,
In the heart of what truly matters.
Love
Deep engulfing melting form and recognition
Song of Love.
Yes, they need to learn the waves of the new rhythms
But all of that is trivial,
All that could be learned
What perhaps was lost in play
Is now gained in deeper understanding
had to learn to dance again together
A star spiraling around his darker and a bit more wounded but profoundly insightful heart …..
from The Odyssey of my Love
